How to Enjoy Little Seizure's Pizza

....don't eat anything for a week beforehand.

Vol. 38: Popeye's Strawberry & Cream Cheese Pie

Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have seen recently (okay, okay, around flippin’ Valentine’s Day, ugh) that I had posted I was going to try this deliciously-insane concoction from Popeye’s, that looks like something that Paula Deen would concoct in her wet dreams. 

Well, bottom line was, I did.  I suppose you could say the delay in my posting this review is enough to express the soul-crushing let-down indifference with which I have to type this.  Let’s start with the photographic crap:

The official shot

 My shots

Notice I had to take two (2) shots to fully illustrate the utter absence of filling.  Sure, I told myself, it’s okay, you just got a bad one and all the filling leaked out.  Well, I might be persuaded to believe that if the seams weren’t intact, so there wasn’t anyplace for the filling to leak from.

It was truly a depressing moment.  What I did taste of the filling, a gooey and not-too-sweet mix of delicious, creamy strawberries and satiny cream cheese – imagine, if you would, a slice of strawberry cheesecake wrapped in a condom of dough and dropped gently into a loving vat of oil until it’s all warm and ooey and try not to get hard at the thought – was absolutely amazing.  The problem was, as you can see from the photographs.. there wasn’t hardly any of it present.

Yes, I even took a second shot in the same pose with the flash on so you can see allll the way back into the end of that cave of would-be heaven, only to find that it’s not hiding in the back like filling is so wont to do in Lukewarm Pockets. 

All in all, it’s a great theory.  I’m not sure if they’re trying to keep the filling to a minimum to minimize the caloric damage eating one would do – although, let’s be honest, if you’re eating a deep fried strawberry cheesecake you’re probably not worried about calories.  So, to Popeye’s, I declare:  More filling = more delicious!

The Verdict

2/5.  It’s a good start, but needs refinement.  I’ll eat another one if I have a coupon or get one free, but I can’t see myself paying for it again.

The Broke Bloke Muses: Almost-Chicken Flavor Ramen

First things first, no, I'm not dead.  I have, however, been working on getting my first book published, which it has been.  YAY!  You can check it out at this fancy link here, if you'd like, or ignore it completely.  If you ignore it, however, I do reserve the right to hunt you down and fill your ears with potted meat while you sleep.  Which is far more disgusting than it sounds.  (I can attest to this from personal experience.)

So I recently (read: 40 minutes ago) came up with an idea in an attempt to improve the flavor of that wonderful broke-people staple, ramen noodles.  You know you've had them before, and if you haven't, then you're missing out on one of the most terrifying amazing creations known to man.

I refer to it as "almost chicken" flavor for the rather obvious reason that it "almost" tastes like chicken.  (Do not confuse this with the Roast Chicken flavor, which is actually pretty decent.)  Easily one of the nastiest flavors of ramen to this amazing humble writer's taste palate, almost nothing can redeem it's nauseatingly salty aftertaste and disturbing, too-yellow color.  These are the ramen packages I use when I want the noodles and nothing else, and the seasoning packet goes in the trash.

But I digress.  My idea was simple:  combine several other things I have on-hand in an attempt to improve the flavor of Almost Chicken.  This is what I came up with:

Yes, this means I put Szechuan style peppers and gag Vienna Sausages into a prepared pack of Almost Chicken flavor ramen.  The results were... surprising, actually.

1. The Szechuan peppers, while great on their own and in other ramen flavors, did literally nothing to mask the suck that was Almost Chicken.
2. Vienna sausages, even rinsed of their vaguely animal-product-like canning goo, also did not improve the suck factor.
3. However, the Szechuan-infused faux-poultry broth did improve the flavor of the Vienna sausages, making them actually palatable.
4. Note that I said "palatable" and not "good."

So the next time you're browsing about your kitchen, wondering what you could possibly do to improve the flavor of that one lone orange pack of noodles that you're trying to use up before they expire but don't really want to, keep this little tidbit in mind.  Save your peppers.