Vol. 31: Stouffer’s Southwest-Style Chicken Panini

So, frozen food hasn’t been doing so hot on the JFJ lately.  It might just start giving people the impression that I’m just a picky bastard too much of an aficionado to be an impartial judge.  Or maybe that I’ve just eaten too dang much of it to properly assess the contents of a freezer box “meal.”

Unto them, I say go lick a squirrel tail nay, and henceforth I shall prove it.

Also, ads.  Hell, I gots to get paid somehow, right?

Today’s adventure was from Stouffer’s, which I’ve always thought of as “rich people TV dinners.”  Of course, compared to Banquet and Michelina’s, everything but ramen seems expensive.  But I splurged, because I was an idiot and went grocery shopping while starving, and that is just never a good idea.  ‘Course, these days, that seems to be the case more often than not.  (Being hungry, not being an idiot, you jerks.)

Without further ado:

The Official Photo

The prepared version  - with Taco Bell size reference (TBSR)

Now, with something called “Southwest-style,” I admit I was kind of thinking something zippy, Tex-Mex, maybe black bean and corn salsa with peppers and zippy holly-penyos in it.  It was still Southwestern-“ish,” but I wouldn’t necessarily use that word to describe it.  It was, however, very good.

No shortage of meat, the bread came out buttery and crisp on the outside and soft inside, quite a significant amount of filling, a healthy dose of cheese, and what tasted like a zesty Ranch sauce on it.  Not spicy, or even mild, by any means, but just something to add a tiny bit of zing to the sandwich.  Best of all, it wasn’t dry at all.

As far as frozen sandwiches go, that was easily one of the better ones I’ve had.  Probably in the top 5 list.  Now keep in mind, this IS frozen, so it won’t compare to your fresh-made ones from bakeries/deli places, but for microwave convenience, it was certainly pretty tasty.

Don’t let the looks deceive you – it may seem tiny, but that thing is loaded.  Normal humans (read: those who do not eat like I do [read: the rest of the world]) would likely feel right at that “I’m full, but not stuffed” point.  Which is great for staying awake at work keeping alert after consuming.  All in all, this sandwich should make its way onto your grocery list – or at least your “things to try” list.

The Verdict

4/5.  Danged good in the perspective of a frozen sandwich, but I can’t see myself paying a dollar or two more if the price went up.  

Local Spotlight: The Route 58 Delicatessen

So this place shows up and starts offering a "brown bag lunch" special at my place of business.  New York style deli, I says?  I've seen New York style delis on TV.  Like that Fööde Netwörken or some such.  Stuff looks good.  Huge, but good.

I like huge.  Huge is good.  (That's what she said.)

So I check out the menu.  It's here at this fancy link if you'd like to check it out for yourself.  And that starts me drooling like a homeless Ethiopian at a buffet profusely.  So, of course, I order.

Now, before you all protest about the prices (which are, admittedly, high), let me point out that I haven't been posting recently because I've been so bloody poor broke that I've been eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and ramen almost exclusively for the past two weeks.  If you really want me to put posts up about that, well, shoot, I'm a sell-out (that's why there's ads, now, to help me afford this stuff) and I'll do it. But they'll be very boring posts.  So I splurged.  Sue me.  

Actually, don't.  It'll be pretty much a waste of time and lawyer fees.

ANY-hoo.

Let's fast-forward to the good stuff.  Here's the almost before-and-after:

Route 58 Deli Corned Beef lunch box - Half gone :-)

The Aftermath

All over their menu and delivery van was plastered the slogan, "If you finish, we made a mistake!"  Well, clearly, they hadn't met me yet.  If a 2 1/2-lb. burrito with chips and salsa, a taco, and half a quesadilla didn't tackle me, this sandwich wasn't going to.

And, as shown by the aftermath photo (timestamped thirteen minutes and eleven seconds after the halfway point - plus an interruption to talk smack), they did make a mistake.  They didn't give me enough Russian Dressing.  (Note to your staff there, Mr. Owner Guy.)

(Russian dressing, by the way, is not Russian.  It was invented in New Hampshire by James E. Colburn.)

The corned beef was very lean, a little on the dry side, which was fixed extremely well by application of deli mustard and said misnamed condiment.  It came on rye bread, which was a little hard around the crust, but had a good flavor in the middle.  As for the meat?  Well, it was certainly loaded.  Hard to complain with two inches (that's NOT what she said) of solid corned animal.  Dead animals on bread is good.

The sandwich itself ran $6.99, which I'm down for.  The "lunch box" was $11.99... the difference was it came with a black & white cookie, halved pickle, and small tub of potato salad.  While the potato salad was decent, let's be real - it's still potato salad.  I find it hard to justify a $5 price hike for a pickle, tater salad, and a cookie.  Apparently, the pricing is a little different for what they serve in-restaurant, so I'll have to take that into consideration when I roll up there one day.  To put it in perspective, here's a shot from a coworker's visit where he ordered the Hot Pastrami Burger (yes, there is a burger underneath all that):

The Pastrami Burger

What does this mean?  In short, for the take-away lunch boxes, get just the sandwich.  It's enough for two normal meals or my gluttonous behind.  But the price jump for the box.. not so much.  In the restaurant, it appears that your money is WELL worth it to order, well, whatever you damn well please.

The Verdict

Due to the nature of my decision, I'm going to have to split this into a few parts.

Sandwich Only (Lunch Box Take-Away):  4/5.  Good stuff for your buck, and not skimping on the carved cow carcass.  Don't push the price too much higher, though.

Sandwich & Sides (Lunch Box Take-Away):  2/5.  The inclusion of some "side dishes" to jack the price up really knocked the  overall value down.  I can't say I'll get the box again (although I'll certainly eat it if someone else is buying!) but will definitely get the sandwich on its own.

Anything In Restaurant:  5/5.  That Pastrami Burger runs $14.99.  You couldn't get that much lean pastrami at your grocery store for that much.  Plus there's a burger and slaw and cheese and dressing and ZOMG brain hemorrhageeeeeeeee/////////////////////////////////

Vol. 30: Boston Market’s Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole

I consider Boston Market to be part of the “premium” line of frozen dinner makers – up there with Stouffer’s and Marie Callendar’s, where almost anything is a safe bet to at least not suck be pretty decent.

So when I saw this conveniently located in my grocer’s freezer, enticing me with its faux homestyledness, it didn’t take much debate before I tossed it into my shopping cart.  It pretty much sounded like this:

                                                            Freezer Case:  [stoic]

                                                            Me:  Oooooh!  *grab*

                                                            Freezer Case: [stoic]

As you can see, the freezer had a very convincing argument.  Here is the evidence presented by the freezer case, and the cooked version:

The box is deceptive

Oddly… it looks pretty close to the box.

As this was cooking in the ‘wave, I noticed something that made my hair stand on end.  On the back of the box, next to the innocent cooking instructions, were two little pieces of info that weren’t so innocent.  The first was the fact that the “serving size” was 14oz – but contained only 500 calories.  What sort of deceitful bull$hit trickery is this??  Lure me in with the false pretense of a stick-to-my ribs plastic platter of comfort food and then pull some diet crap on me?  No self-respecting dish with the words “cheese” and “casserole” in the title has a measly 500 calories per near-pound.  500 calories per tablespoon is more like it.  This can only mean one of two things:  they skimped on the cheese, or worse – they replaced it with “cheeze sawse.”  Which is better suited to stripping paint from cars than consumption.

Also, this beast has an ungodly 1,200mg of sodium.. which I totally don’t care about.  But after bite one, I have to question Boston Market on the following point:  HOW DIRECTLY THE F*@# IS IT THIS THING HAS 1,200 MG OF SODIUM AND STILL NEEDS SALT?!?!?!  Seriously??  This is worse than the Arby’s Steakhouse Salt Lick (see Vol.18 –ed.) in the sense that particular failure actually tasted salty as hell.  This thing has an abhorrent amount of salt and still needs more.  Ugh.

So I guess you can tell which direction this review is going.  But I’m going to surprise you with a curveball.. it’s not going down as far as you think.  Other than the fact this thing needs salt, it’s remarkably… tasteless.  The “cheeze sawse” tastes like.. warm.  As for the rice?  Well, I have to give props where props are due, and Boston Market’s frozen food chef-things actually did a pretty darned good job of making the rice come out close to decently cooked and not tasting like crunchy termites the way most places do.  But that in and of itself is not enough to offset the utter lack of…. any other redeeming quality from the dish.

It’s not a good sign when the only item in the “Pro” column from the reviewer (me) is “the rice doesn’t suck.”  On the other hand, the meal as a whole rang in with a final score of “it’s not inedible.”

I can’t say I want to eat it again.  On the same token, I’ll definitely eat this to avoid being really hungry (well before “starving”).  Given a choice between the Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole or Taco Bell’s Pacific Shrimp Tacos…….?  (fancy link –ed.)  Hunh.  That’s like a high-noon showdown of mediocrity, a fistful of apathy of such magnitude no one would even bother to show up to laugh at it.  I’d probably go for the casserole, but solely to avoid risk of being TBONED (Taco Bell Overdose Nitro-Explosive Diarrhea).

The Verdict

2/5.  It doesn’t suck…?  *shrug*