Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Vol. 30: Boston Market’s Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole


I consider Boston Market to be part of the “premium” line of frozen dinner makers – up there with Stouffer’s and Marie Callendar’s, where almost anything is a safe bet to at least not suck be pretty decent.

So when I saw this conveniently located in my grocer’s freezer, enticing me with its faux homestyledness, it didn’t take much debate before I tossed it into my shopping cart.  It pretty much sounded like this:

                                                            Freezer Case:  [stoic]
                                                            Me:  Oooooh!  *grab*
                                                            Freezer Case: [stoic]

As you can see, the freezer had a very convincing argument.  Here is the evidence presented by the freezer case, and the cooked version:

The box is deceptive
Oddly… it looks pretty close to the box.

As this was cooking in the ‘wave, I noticed something that made my hair stand on end.  On the back of the box, next to the innocent cooking instructions, were two little pieces of info that weren’t so innocent.  The first was the fact that the “serving size” was 14oz – but contained only 500 calories.  What sort of deceitful bull$hit trickery is this??  Lure me in with the false pretense of a stick-to-my ribs plastic platter of comfort food and then pull some diet crap on me?  No self-respecting dish with the words “cheese” and “casserole” in the title has a measly 500 calories per near-pound.  500 calories per tablespoon is more like it.  This can only mean one of two things:  they skimped on the cheese, or worse – they replaced it with “cheeze sawse.”  Which is better suited to stripping paint from cars than consumption.

Also, this beast has an ungodly 1,200mg of sodium.. which I totally don’t care about.  But after bite one, I have to question Boston Market on the following point:  HOW DIRECTLY THE F*@# IS IT THIS THING HAS 1,200 MG OF SODIUM AND STILL NEEDS SALT?!?!?!  Seriously??  This is worse than the Arby’s Steakhouse Salt Lick (see Vol.18 –ed.) in the sense that particular failure actually tasted salty as hell.  This thing has an abhorrent amount of salt and still needs more.  Ugh.

So I guess you can tell which direction this review is going.  But I’m going to surprise you with a curveball.. it’s not going down as far as you think.  Other than the fact this thing needs salt, it’s remarkably… tasteless.  The “cheeze sawse” tastes like.. warm.  As for the rice?  Well, I have to give props where props are due, and Boston Market’s frozen food chef-things actually did a pretty darned good job of making the rice come out close to decently cooked and not tasting like crunchy termites the way most places do.  But that in and of itself is not enough to offset the utter lack of…. any other redeeming quality from the dish.

It’s not a good sign when the only item in the “Pro” column from the reviewer (me) is “the rice doesn’t suck.”  On the other hand, the meal as a whole rang in with a final score of “it’s not inedible.”

I can’t say I want to eat it again.  On the same token, I’ll definitely eat this to avoid being really hungry (well before “starving”).  Given a choice between the Chicken, Broccoli & Cheese Casserole or Taco Bell’s Pacific Shrimp Tacos…….?  (fancy link –ed.)  Hunh.  That’s like a high-noon showdown of mediocrity, a fistful of apathy of such magnitude no one would even bother to show up to laugh at it.  I’d probably go for the casserole, but solely to avoid risk of being TBONED (Taco Bell Overdose Nitro-Explosive Diarrhea).


The Verdict
2/5.  It doesn’t suck…?  *shrug*

No comments:

Post a Comment