The Broke Bloke Gourmet: Let's Go Tupperware Diving!

suggested by Deena716.  Props be to her.

Sometimes, one of the most frightening things you can do is open your refrigerator.

Opening some of those plastic containers without proper protection, including (but not limited to) plastic gloves, respirators, goggles, and a full biochemical warfare suit, can result in anything from nauseating smells and loss of appetite to a full-blown mutant broccoli monster attack.

So, natch, I’m gonna go through a few ways to use some of those tidbits up, jazz ‘em up, and provide some helpful tips on chowing down on your leftovers before they turn into a 1950’s B-movie cast member.

Hambooger Helper

So, this one’s actually pretty easy.  According to the website, there are 27 varieties of Hamburger Helper currently in circulation.  It’s easy to get rid of these morsels, since they all taste like the same thing – salty goopy crap grown-up Chef Boyardee.  Which means you can do pretty much anything with it to resuscitate it or stretch it out again.  Here are some of my quick fixes.

·         spread butter/margarine on a hoagie roll, add garlic powder, and grill in a skillet until golden brown.  Smother the whole thing with Hambooger Helper that’s been zapped in microwave and eat it open-faced, or go greedy and eat it like a fancified sloppy joe.

·         Add the leftovers (nuked to heat through, of course) to a pot of Kraft Side Dish (I refuse to call it “dinner” on principle).  Seriously.  This works with any flavor of Double H and also makes your Side Dish last for a little more than two servings.  ‘Cuz we all know they’re smoking Skittles when they make those serving sizes.

·         stir it in to your leftover mashed potatoes and pretend it’s a Wawa bowl top it off with shredded cheese before zapping it in the nuker.

Leftover Cooked Chicken

How directly the hell did you manage to wind up with leftovers of this?  I could go on a completely separate diatribe on this topic.  Matter of fact, I think I will in the next installment of The Snarky Eyebrow.  Look for the fancy link here when it’s posted. 

Kraft Side Dish

Even though I mentioned it above, this deserves its own special segment.  This has got to be the easiest leftover to work with since plain white rice.  You can literally put almost anything into Kraft Side Dish.  Except toes.  Don’t ask, just trust me.  Frozen peas & carrots?  A can of tuna?  Congratulations, you just made ghetto Tuna Casserole.  Leftover lunch meat?  No problem. 

Seriously, you can even skip the heating-up step and crumble it over a green salad in place of cheese.  Before you look at me like I’m crazy, try it.  Soon you’ll be telling your friends to stop looking at you like you’re crazy.

(That’s best with Italian dressing, by the way.)

Personal favorite add-ins:

• can of tuna (with or without peas & carrots)
• quartered pepperoni slices
• MOAR CHEEZ
• Lay’s original potato chips (trust me)

Or if you’re willing to do a little more work, you can mix it well with leftover hash browns, smoosh it by hand to form patties, and fry ‘em up on a griddle to make your own cheesy tots.

Have a suggestion for a topic?  Something unidentifiable in the back of your fridge?  Submit it in the comments below, and I promise I won’t ignore it.  But only because I have no life to speak of.

Vol. 33: 7-Eleven's Smoked Turkey & Jack Cheese Sandwich

Let’s be honest.  At some point, we’re all wishing we had a quick bite to eat while we’re dashing back and forth between the various places, appointments, tricks, work, home, whatever in our daily lives where we wish we could snag a bite to eat.  And not always is there a restaurant or fast food joint open.  Thus, we’re stuck with either a.) driving all the way home and fixing something, or b.) all-night convenience store food.

The former isn’t always feasible.  The latter isn’t always edible.

A while back, I’ll freely admit, 7-Eleven’s sandwiches sucked like Lisa Lampanelli in an NBA locker room were terrifyingly awful.  Dry, flavorless, and depending on the situation, you may or may not get to put condiments on them.  Choking one down without a flavored beverage of some kind was an ordeal you’d soon rather forget. 

Then they finally realized, “ohai, R sandwichz blow.”  Which is a good thing.  That they realized it.  Not that... oh, sod it, you get the idea.

Observe this, the flagship of their lineup:

Smoked Turkey & Jack Cheese on Wheat

First and foremost, I’d like to point out the last two words in that caption.  “On Wheat.”  Yes, I said wheat.  Not white, French, Italian, four-cheese, ciabatta, focaccia, none of that delicious stuff.  WHEAT.  Yes, I’m voluntarily purchasing (and consuming, no less) a sandwich served on wheat bread.  And no, I’m not complaining about it, either.

Why?  Because this thing is frickin’ amazing.  Here, they’re $3.99 a pop, and worth the whole lot.  If it jumped to $4.99, possibly even $5.99, I’d still get it.  Yeah, I said it.  The wheat bread is soft without disintegrating or being soggy, the turkey is juicy and tender and flavorful, the Jack cheese – get this! – actually tastes like Monterey Jack, and it’s crowned off with a zippy Southwestern Mayo which adds just a hint of spice.  On the Taco Bell scale, it ranks somewhere in the vicinity of “just below Mild” on the heat index, so those who don’t want a volcano in between their buns (that’s what she said) can rest easy.  The lettuce adds just the right amount of crunch and textural difference to make the sandwich fly as a whole. 

Oh, by the by, each half has more meat on it than a whole $5 footlong at Subway.  I checked. 

And they’re delivered fresh every single day, as far as I can tell.  I’ve never seen a sandwich older than “delivered this morning” on the shelves.  And I spend far, far too much time in 7-Eleven to be healthy.  Let’s just say the employees at the one by my house know me on a first-name basis.  And my daughter.  And that my daughter likes Wild Cherry Slurpees.  And my cigarette brand, flavor, and pack preferences.  I could go on, but I think you get the picture. 

In short, unless you’re vegetarian or vegan (and if you are, why are you reading this blog?  No, seriously.  I’m curious.  Please leave it in the comments below), you need to get your hands on one of these ‘wiches next time you’re at Sleven.  Seriously.  Your colon will thank you.

The Verdict

5/5.  I’d still buy these if the price went up.  However, that’s not a suggestion, if you’re reading this, Sleven Corporate Drones. 

Vol. 32: Great Value Fish Sticks

So I’ve been on a fish stick craze recently.  Don’t ask me why.  They’re not exactly the best thing on the planet and don’t hold a candle to real fried fish.  Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what fish these sticks come from.  Last time I checked, fish have sticks like chickens have nuggets.

I can’t find the nugget on a chicken, either.

The problem I have with fish sticks is they’re too damn munchable.  Like popcorn or infant ears.  The fillets?  Those you feel like you’ve actually eaten something.  Sticks?  Not so much.

So I was looking for an alternative for these:

….which are awesome.  Plus, Gorty’s kind of cute.  Which is totally a reason to purchase food.  Then why, you might ask, was I looking for an alternative?  To that, I direct you to the newest segment.  My behind is broke.  These fish sticks are like, five bucks for eighteen.  But you can trust the Gorton’s fisherman.  Who probably looks nothing like the box.  (Who is, reportedly, the grandfather of one of the founders of the company when it was still John Pew & Sons Fishery, and was named Angus.  True data.)

You don’t want to know how fast I can go through 18 fish sticks.  Let’s just say it’s “less than one sitting.”

So, of course, when I was shopping at Wal*Mart and came across their Great Value Fish Sticks, I was leery.  Some of the Great Value products are decent and some of them taste like diseased monkey carcass are not so good.  But, for the sake of junk food science, I had to jump in, fins first.

 Note the absence of product close-ups and fishermen.  This is suspect.

The first thing I noticed was this box of a gazillion cost less than the box of Gorty’s eighteen.  This was either going to be a good thing or a bad thing.  Appearance-wise, there wasn’t too much difference, but then again, I didn’t hold them side by side.  I did notice there was a lot more breading crumbles in the Great Value box.  They smelled frozen.

  

Half the box.  I’ll save you the counting.  It’s 28.

So I unceremoniously dump and arrange half the box onto a cookie sheet.  Yes, I know the image is displayed above, you twerp.  Some people read this blog via email and don’t get the images.  SO THERE. 

I digress.  Half the box is already way more than Gorty’s (Angus’?) had in it.  There wasn’t a discernible size difference between them, either.  That’s what she said.  Eighteen minutes at 425 later, I was sitting down with my plate – yes, I fit them all on one plate – full of fish sticks. 

With ketchup.  Or catsup.  Or catchup.  Ketsup.  What the hell ever, you get the idea.

Truth be told, Gorty’s sticks are slightly firmer.  (lolz.)  A little bit crunchier, but other than that?  The minor differences between the two do not make up for the absurd difference in cost.  Four bucks and change for 18, or three dollars and change for ten zillion?  No contest. 

Every once in a while, Great Value knocks one out of the park.  This might not be a home run, but it’s at least a triple play.  I think that’s a baseball reference.  And I think it was used properly.  You get the idea.

The Verdict

4/5.  The value per-dollar when compared to the major brand (which should be called Angus’ Fisherman) is mind-boggling.  Quality is comparable.  Obviously, if they wanted to charge the same amount per-stick, I’d grab the yellow box.  But since it’s close to a five-to-one stick ratio for less money?  Pfft.

Introducing the Broke Bloke Gourmet

There’s no way for me to hide that I love junk food.  The problem with loving relationship, however, is that it costs money.  Money is something that we don’t always have, particularly right before payday (now).  Of course, I’m not the only one with this particular combination of loves and lack of money, so I’m starting a new segment on The Junk Food Junkie – the Broke Bloke Gourmet.

Or, at least, that’s what it’s being called right now.  I reserve the right to change it at any time with or without giving a crap advanced notice.

Here’s where I’ll share some of my crazy-delicious and just plain crazy concoctions I’ve made during dry spells between proper junk food binges.  I’d love to say this is going to be a weekly spot, but that’s laughable who knows if I’ll be reliable enough to stick to that schedule. 

Without further ado, I give you the first entry:  Freezer Breakfast Sliders.

Ingredients

2 Eggo Cinnamon Toast waffles

4 Banquet Brown ‘n Serve sausage patties (I like original, but whatev)

1 slice cheese, quartered

Preparation

Start up your sausage patties however you feel like doing them.  For a quickie, I do these in the microwave – four patties in an 1,100 watt oven take just over a minute.  I put them on a paper towel, zap them on high for 45 seconds, then put one of the mini-squares of cheese on each one for the last 20 seconds. 

Put waffles in the toaster.  Turn it on.  Don’t light things on fire.

When the waffles are popped, tear them into their little bread-shaped quarters, place one sausage patty with cheese on top, and crown it with another waffle toast thing.  Drizzle with syrup, if desired.

Yield:  4 sliders

Servings:  ½

Deliciousness:  4 pork snickerdoodles out of 5 possible apple pies

These tiny little nuggets of joy are wonderful, and a great way to use up the last couple of waffles or patties in a box that aren’t enough to make a full breakfast.  The only problem?  They are sliders.  Which means you need to make like, forty to get full up.  Okay, perhaps you skinny types “normal” people might not, but I do.  They make a good snack, anyway.

Blatant Self-Promotion:

Have a suggestion to be reviewed by the Junk Food Junkie?

Got a better name than Broke Bloke Gourmet?  Impossible.

Want to share your own semi-junk concoctions?

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