Saturday, June 9, 2012

Vol. 22: Hardee’s Mushroom Swiss Turkey Burger


I’ve opened my arms wide to turkey burgers in recent years, especially after experiencing the epically-delicious Ruby Tuesday’s Turkey Bacon Avocado Burger (see JFJ volume 3).  So I have to admit that I was pretty excited when Hardee’s launched a line of turkey burgers.

I succumbed to the media frenzy, drooling over pictures of the burgers (seen below in the official pictures) and was fully expecting a decent-sized burger.  After all, Hardee’s usually doesn’t lie about their burger sizes (compare photos of the Monster Thickburger to the Double Cheeseburger and come back with any questions).  Though, while I was standing in line, eagerly awaiting to order, clutching my Droid to my chest with the Happy Star Rewards app waiting to display my coupon, I should have heeded the giant flashing red flag of suck subtle warning on the menu saying that each of the burgers was “Under 500 Calories!”

The Official Lineup

WTF is that?

After getting my alarmingly tiny bag,  I peered inside to make sure everything was inside:  Little Thickburger for my evening snack, check; fries, check; another Little Thickburger?  Irritated, I tore the bag open and showered everyone in orphan tears and fries took everything out and performed a more detailed inventory.  In front of me were two Little Thickburger-wrapped items.  I stopped myself before jumping the gun and raking the workers over the coals, instead opening each one – yes, one was a Little Thickburger – and the other was… my turkey burger?

“WTF?  That’s it?  Seriously?” were literally the first words out of my mouth.  Above you can see the “real” picture, where I’ve placed a Taco Bell sauce packet alongside for perspective (since they didn’t give me any ketchup, big ups to Taco Bell for extra-saucing me earlier).  Size notwithstanding, I dug in.  And promptly said WTF for a second time.

First off, nobody warned me that they were going to switch the buns with some dry imitation of a “delicious” wheat bun.  It was dry and tasted like fluffy cardboard, and the patty didn’t do much to help.  While not going the dry route so many turkey burgers fail on, it managed to stay juicy.  Like juicy nothingness of fail.  Jenni-O has frozen turkey burger patties which are better.  I know.  I’ve had them.  For those who aren’t used to turkey burgers, these patties suffer heavily from the “looks like I’m eating cooked brain matter” problem – the yummy-looking crust on the official picture above does NOT carryover into the real thing.  Don’t let this scare you off turkey burgers in general, they can be quite delicious, just not this one.

I will freely admit that I have only tried one of the three burgers, but I will also say that this one scarred me enough that I’m going to need tongue therapy not going to try any of the other two unless I have to.  It is fully possible that the mushroom-swiss combo collided with the honey wheat flooring material bun, and the other two may be fully tasty.  I’ll be open to alternate opinions on the other two of the lineup as things go on – I suppose I MAY be convinced to try one if I get enough rave reviews. 

I’m still sorely disappointed in Hardee’s, first off for the photographic burger deceit (really, guys?  Why?), and secondly for actually thinking this would pass as a decent alternative to their Thickburgers.  I’m just glad I got one to tide me over after this vile and nauseatingly creepy aftertaste gets washed out of my mouth by gallons of water.


The Verdict
1/5.  I suppose if I were starving, I’d choke one down.  Let’s put it this way:  I had to force myself to swallow the final bite, and it certainly wasn’t because the burger was too big. 

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