Vol. 1: Wendy's Triple Baconator

When I first heard the two words 'triple' and 'Baconator' used in the same sentence, I think I had a mild heart attack.  Upon my thankfully near-immediate recovery, I was instantly obsessed with the concept.  Within 24 hours, I found myself at the counter of my local Wendy's, uttering my almost sinful order to the cashier, pacing impatiently like a caged drug addict waiting for his fix.

Trying only marginally successfully to withhold my drool as I lunged towards a table, I unwrapped the behemoth of beef and paused for a moment to take in the spectacle.  I cannot stress how big this thing is.  3/4lb. of beef, six slices of thick-cut bacon, and three slices of cheese, all barely contained in a suicide bun slathered in ketchup and mayo.  Note the complete lack of pretense towards anything remotely healthy -- no rabbits will starve thanks to this burger.  Just writing about it makes my arteries jealous cringe in fear.  While it appears smooshed, rest assured that there is, in fact, six slices of bacon and three slices of cheese on this (the bottom slice of cheese was hanging off the other side of the burger):

After taking in the gargantuan sight of this thing beautiful sight, the first challenge becomes glaringly obvious: just how the f*ck are you going to get this in your mouth?  Of course, being the semi-civilized person that I am, I fully acknowledge that cutting it in half is for pansy boys.  (Hey, I did say "semi.")  After a moment's preparation unhinging my jaw, I dove in, nose first.

[at this point, notes cease and a large grease stain adorns the notebook.]

I think the burger gave me a permanent jaw injury, but freakin'-A it was worth it.  I ate the whole thing, and to make sure all that deliciously fried cow and pig and cheese wasn't lonely, washed it down with an avalanche of fries smothered in ketchup.  Oh, happy day!  I'm almost certain eating that burger reduced my lifespan by two weeks, but f*ck it, I was going to die anyway.

The Verdict

5/5.  I will definitely be getting this again, regardless of what that lousy Surgeon General says.