Eastern
cooking focuses on a dish by its balance of the five key flavors: sour, hot, sweet, salty and bitter. In my not-so-humble opinion, properly
prepared pad thai (loosely translated to "stir fried noodles") is the
perfect embodiment of the deliciousness of this philosophy: a slightly spicy sauce with a hint of
sweetness, a touch of bitter from the sliced green onions, a dash of salty from
the crumbled peanuts sprinkled on top, and a squeeze of sour from the lime
wedges it is served with. The
result? Downright amazing. And then, there's this:
As I
stated in a previous edition of the JFJ (Volume 9: Michelina's Pasta Twists
in Bolognese Sauce, -Ed.), Michelina's frozen lunches are a staple in my,
er, ice-pantry. As a pad thai lover on a
budget, I was hoping desperately for a reasonable imitation for $0.88 each
serving.
Alas, I
was horribly disappointed. The official
product description was "Thai-style sauce and pasta with white chicken,
broccoli, carrots & bell peppers."
Truth be told, this should really have been described as
"retardedly short linguine in a failed attempt at overly-sweet
sweet-and-sour sauce with red pepper added, a creepy attempt at mixed
vegetables, and soggy steam-bathed peanuts." In all honesty, I can never remember having
broccoli served in my pad thai. Thin slices
of stir-fried bell pepper and carrot which are still crunchy? Yes.
Overcooked, mushy vegetables with barely any of the original flavor and
an unnatural texture? No.
The
chicken, which any purveyor of Michelina's is aware, is generic formed chicken
(stock added), so no surprise there. I
did not, however, expect to see steamed peanuts in my dish, and they, quite
frankly, sucked monkey balls served only to dampen the nauseating
experience even further.
To put
it in terms of the online blogging community, this qualifies as an epic
fail. After two bites and nearly
gagging on the cloying sweetness and texture which reminded me of a corn chip
soaked in milk for an hour, I settled for picking the chicken chunks out of it
and throwing the rest in the damn garbage. Get it together, Michelina's!
The
Verdict
1/5. Hale, naw!
I better be starving to death, or someone better be handing me a
hundred-dollar bill before I put that in my mouth again voluntarily.
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