Vol. 24: Great Value Hot Dog Chili Sauce

If any of my readers are surprised by the fact that I actually like hot dogs, then they rode the short bus to school haven’t been paying very close attention to my near-blatant disregard for what I’m actually shoveling in my mouth. 

So when I was at the store and saw this can of what bore a striking resemblance to 7-Eleven’s faux-but-fantastic fake chili, it caught my eye:

 The fact it’s called a “chili sauce” should have been a giveaway.

The other thing that should have told me to leave it on the shelf was the price tag.  But, at $0.68 a can, why not give it a shot?  ..or at least that’s what my stomach said.  Of course, I hadn’t eaten in about 18 hours, which means I should have paid it about as much attention as I paid in traffic court to the serving size on the box of fish sticks.  (Blatant cross-blog plug, anyone?)

The first thing I noticed was that, while it sure looks like it’s got lots of crumbly ground beef in it, there’s a frightening lack of animals in the ingredients list.  As a matter of fact, the only animal product in it at all is “beef fat,” of which it states it contains less than 2% of.  Hunh. 

After that was the smell.  It sure didn’t smell like chili.  Actually, I’m not sure what I would say it smelled like.  If I had to pick?  I’d say it smelled like swamp crotch with a hint of cumin one of those fermented bean dishes from the Japanese restaurant.  But, for the sake of junk food science, I had to continue.

In the interest of saving my @ss from spam comments full disclosure, I wasn’t exactly using high-quality materials for this experiment.  Oscar Meyer Classic Franks (yeah, the ones made with pork, chicken, and turkey that taste alarmingly like bologna if you eat ‘em cold) and Mary Jane hot dog buns.  So this wasn’t exactly a Nathan’s contest.  Even still, I expect my fake chili sauce to taste something like chili.  I mean, hell, Fritos can do it, why can’t Wal*Mart?

Truth be told, it didn’t suck.  Much.  The texture was pretty much what you’d expect, except without any form of toothiness at all.  At least 7-Eleven’s fake chili has some textured soy protein granules that sort of replicate ground beef.  As for the flavor?  Pretty much what it smelled like.  If they had called it something more like “hot dog topping,” it might not have been so bad.  But they had to throw “chili” in there and create pre-conceived notions and expectations of what I’m going to shove in my gullet.  I’d have gotten more chili flavor by topping my hot dog with Chili Cheese Fritos. 

Actually, that sounds like a pretty freakin’ good idea.

If you’re into fermented crotch bean “toppings” on your hot dogs, it might be worth looking into.  However, if you’re like the rest of us, stick with something else.  Or maybe just mustard.

The Verdict

2/5.  I’d probably eat it again if I were put in a position to (i.e. friend’s barbecue and unwittingly served myself) or if I were hungry enough.  I’m not buying it again, though.  Matter of fact, I have an extra can.. anyone want to form a second opinion on my results..?